I am watching the Phil Spector trial on Court TV. I am watching a bespectacled Englishwoman tell the court about Phil Spector, her employer, pulling a gun on her. More than once. And I can’t help but think, “What were you thinking?” She did in fact eventually go on to find another job. But everyone dismissed Spector’s behavior as eccentric rather than incredibly dangerous. How could anyone put up with that kind of bad behavior? I’ve done it in the past and still can’t quite believe it.

Most bosses are not going to pull a gun on you, but they can be dangerous in other ways. Every single woman I know (and at least two men) have stories of sexual harassment that they let go because they felt silly pursuing the matter, or didn’t have the energy or money for a long court fight. (One guy I know DID take his male boss to curt over a proposition that turned into a threat upon rejection, and while he ultimately won his case, it wrecked his health.)

I worked for a guy who would corner women in the office, thrust his crotch in their faces (they were usually sitting at their desks, working for a living) and talk about his “incredible hulk.” Eeeeuuuwww.

Sometimes employees get so used to bad behavior that they can no longer distinguish bad behavior from quirky “out of the box” thinking. It’s a bad sign if you find yourself saying, You just don’t understand when your friends hear what you’re putting up with.

A quick refresher course may be in order for these employees. (For some, a reprogramming session may be the only cure.) A boss is not a good boss if he/she always criticizes and never praises. A boss who steals credit is bad, as is a boss who steals tips. A boss who thinks yelling at employees is the same thing as motivating them is not a good boss. And so forth. If you’re in doubt about something being good or bad boss behavior, ask a friend. If they react to your story with outraged disbelief, you’re probably right in thinking the boss is wrong.

All the experts agree–you have to talk to your boss. (Other options are ignoring the situation and hoping it will go away, which is not exactly a strategy; or simply looking for a new job, which is not really practical.) The assumption you need to start with is that your boss’ bad behavior is not intentional. Chances are your boss isn’t a sociopath, and you can discuss the situation reasonably and rationally. If you can’t, you might need Susan Futterman’s book, When You Work for a Bully. Founder of the online community “My Toxic Boss,” Futterman laces her book with plenty of real life examples.

You are not alone. And you don’t have to put up with a bad boss.

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